Ranking the NFL 32 Head Coaches

The fellow writers here and I are obsessed with lists and rankings. Let’s continue the trend with something completely subjective and requires no facts whatsoever. I hate when facts get in the way of a perfectly illogical argument. Feel free to let me know if you think I’m insane.

In order of worst to best coaches.

No Way, Don’t Want ‘Em!

32) Jim Caldwell – Who knew Peyton Manning was the quarterback, offensive coordinator, and head coach. No wonder he gets paid so much. Jim is done after this season. He looks lost on the sideline.

31) Todd Haley – Todd looks like he just woke up from a Wild Turkey hangover, lit up a Marlboro Red, and drove his ’82 Camaro into the stadium before the game. He’s also a giant prick who berates his players on the sideline. No thanks.

30) Norv Turner – Norv doesn’t look good in HD. He also hasn’t won anything as far as I can remember. Norv is completely overrated. Just like his GM, QB, WR, TE, RB… The Chargers are terrible.

29) Mike Shanahan – Mike is identical to Norv except he’s got two rings from his time with the Broncos. Mike has a worse record now than when Jim Zorn was the head coach. Just sayin’.

28) Jack Del Rio – Jack would have been fired 5 years ago except the owner is too cheap to pull the trigger. The Jags should just move to LA.

27) Tom Coughlin – Every time I see Tom on the sidelines I want to yell, “wow, you’re an angry elf!” in a Will Ferrel voice. I have a feeling his players hate his guts.

26) Andy Reid – There was once a time when I felt bad for Andy Reid. Then I thought about the butt load of talent his teams have had over the years and he has nothing to show for it. AND THEN I found out what absolute white trash his sons are. This Eagles team is soft, just like their coach.

25) Leslie Frazer – I hope Leslie stays in Minnesota forever… so I can watch the Packers kick their teeth in twice a year.

24) Lovie Smith – See above. Lovie has also been coaching to not get fired for the last 3 years.

23) John Fox – I dislike John because he seems to have this “meh, I don’t give a crap if we win or lose” attitude. He’s basically said he has to play with Tebow because the fans and owners are idiots. Now he’s starting Tebow and they are inexplicably winning.

22) Tony Sparano – Tony started the season looking like he would be fired before Halloween. Lately, the Dolphins have made a bit of a comeback. They will still miss the playoffs this year regardless. Tony won’t be back next year.

21) Pat Schurmur – As an offensive guru, Pat hasn’t done much in his first year. He seems a bit overwhelmed. He will get a pass for the lack of play makers on offense but I think he deserves more criticism.

20) Jason Garrett – Jason isn’t as smart as he thinks he is. Also, just like the Penn State assistant coach… you can’t trust a ginger.

19) Jim Hamburgh – A lot of people have issue with Jim being a bit of a dick. I don’t know him personally so I’ll go with it.

18) Ken Whisenhunt – Had one great year with Kurt Warner at the helm. Since then hasn’t done much. If the Kolb trade doesn’t work, he’s out of there.  He’s kind of a dick too.

17) Marvin Lewis – Marvin had a terrible year last year and then had the balls to tell the owner he would come back if certain conditions were met. I think he’s a Jedi. I can’t stand half the league’s coaches.

No Opinion… Meh…

16) Hugh Jackson – Hugh seems to have gotten his job by kissing Al Davis’ ass. (Before he died) The team seems to be playing hard after the foundation Tom Cable (now with the Seahawks) set.

15) Steve Spagnuolo – The Rams are terrible. Hard to tell if it’s Steve’s fault or a lack of healthy players. As a ‘Hawks fan, I’m happy either way.

14) Mike Munchak – Jury is still out. He’s in his first year and I’ve only seen one Titans game this year. Also, he’s very plain so there’s little to make fun of.

13) Gary Kubiak – This guy’s helmet hair is insane. They also have Greg Knapp on the coaching staff. This tells me two things. Buy stock in LA Looks hair gel, and Kubiac’s decision making is sub-par.

I Like ‘Em…

12) Ron Rivera – Ron looks mean so I’m going to jump to the conclusion that he can coach defense. The Chargers and Bears have been worse without him.

11) Jim Schwartz – Jim has a young, talented Lions team. Time will tell if he can bring it together.

10) John Harbaugh – I blame the offensive woes on Cam Cameron and Joe Flacco. John seems to know his stuff. He’s much more likeable than his brother.

9) Chan Gailey – Chan is only ranked this high because of his accent.  He’s also responsible for putting the slash in Kordell Stewart. What’s not to like? The Bills are a disaster.

8) Mike Smith – A brief recap of where the Falcons were before Mike took over. Vick got caught killing dogs, Jim Mora admitted he’d rather coach college ball at UW on a radio interview and his replacement Bobby Petrino literally quit in the middle of his first season to go coach college ball. Mike turned the team around in one season with a rookie QB. I root for him because I feel like nobody else does. And I would have gone for it on 4th down against the Saints too.

7) Raheem Morris – Raheem is a young coach who was hired initially because the owners were too cheap to hire a proven guy. If he gets the chance, he could be pretty good. The Bucs seem to have a good foundation and are looking up.

Coaches I’d Love to Have…

6) Pete Carroll – I know what your thinking… “You Seahawks Homer! Get the Eff out of here.” Here’s what I like. Pete gets, “hormonal” and goes for it on 4th down. A lot. He has the best young defense in the league. We are 2 off-seasons and 4 good players away from a great team. Pete needs a franchise QB, a pass rushing defensive end (or two), another above average linebacker, and one of the two CBs to turn into a shut down corner. I’m excited for what’s been built.

5) Bill Belichick – He’s got rings and knows how to make chicken salad out of chicken sh*t. As a coach, he’s great. As a person… not so much. Seattleites everywhere would be cutting the sleeves off their hoodies in no time.

4) Sean Peyton – Big balls and has a ring. Two things our franchise has lacked. (The balls are dropping in Seattle, be patient) Sean motivates his team like no other. He seems like the type of coach who will stand up for his guys and do what’s right.

3) Mike McCarthy – Clearly a great offensive coach. He doesn’t touch the defense and lets Dom (I’m a terrible head coach) Capers run the D. He is terrible at clock management but he brought my Packers a title. The pluses highly outweigh the negatives.

2) Mike Tomlin – I don’t want to say this because the Steelers make me sick. I would go to war with Tomlin. He makes me want to run though a brick wall and knows how to communicate to his players and the media. It’s a shame his talent is being wasted on a team I despise so much.

1) Rex Ryan – I don’t think I’m a typical “Seattleite.” Usually we are pretty passive people who complain quietly that our team isn’t recognized by the national media. Well, I scream that same rhetoric from a damn mountain every chance I get. Hell, it’s probably why I wanted to write in the first place. Rex has swagger. Rex wants players who eat nails and hit people into next week every chance they get. Rex would inspire the team and the city to grow a pair, get mean, and be proud of where they came from and what we represent.

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2 thoughts on “Ranking the NFL 32 Head Coaches

  1. I can’t argue with that. I am biased against Lovie but should have given him more credit as a defensive coach. Apparently everyone else on earth agrees with me 100%.

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