Making NFL Preseason Tolerable

Preseason is meaningless.  My dad has had season tickets since I was 13 and I’ve probably gone to 6 preseason games.  The only one worth bragging about was the first one at (I’m calling it) Seahawk Stadium vs the Colts.  Mostly because of the Jet flyover and firework show set to the sound track of local artists.  We decided to bring my little brother who was too young to know what was going on at the time.  The reasoning was so he could one day say he was there from the beginning.  These types of things matter.

Here’s who I’m rooting for to make the team this year.  Picking a few younger guys to make the squad makes the preseason worth watching.

-Doug Baldwin

 An undrafted rookie from Stanford who looked good in the first preseason game.  He is a taller, better route runner than Golden Tate.

Think Bobby Engram before he developed his “spidey” sense for getting open in the middle of the field.  If he makes the team, we’d probably say goodbye to Deon Butler and that would make me sad.  I like Deon but Pete has no room for an undersized receiver with only straight line speed.  Receiver is a crowded group and every year I wish we could keep them all.

-The Quarterbacks, All of Them
As a ‘Hawks fan, I don’t understand the hatred towards Clipboard Jesus or Tavaris.  Stop hating.  Root for the ‘Hawks to succeed.  Both guys are going to play this year.  We need both guys to succeed to make this an enjoyable season.  They both have limited potential but fit the offensive system.  Each guy should be able to move the chains with their legs and make enough throws down the field to keep the defense honest.

What about Josh Portis?  If this guy succeeds and learns the system, we could have a QB for the future.  Sports radio already wants him to be the week 5 starter.  Don’t hold your breath guys.  I know some of you ignorant bastards are still all cranky Mike Teel never got his “fair shot”.  Good luck trying to figure out where he is now.  If Portis was on the fast track to be a starter, he would have been drafted.  There’s a reason he got passed over by every team in the league.  Now, if you want to be optimistic and say Portis locks down the starting gig in a few years, the ‘Hawks would be in fantastic shape.  We could then spend our valuable draft picks on building talent around a solid QB.  This has about a .0005% chance of happening.  Calm down on the “Portis is better than Charlie” crap.  Portis was playing against future grocery baggers and construction workers.  Not NFL starters.

-Brandon Coutu
Brandon Coutu is in a kicking battle vs Jeff Reed.  You know who I hate?  The Steelers.  All of them.  I also hate douche bags.  Jeff Reed is a double threat!  He looks like a pasty Pauley D from the Jersey Shore, but inexplicably doucheier!  He belongs on http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/  Hate is not strong enough of a word to express how I feel about this tool bag.  He actually looks like an STD.  Coutu wins my support for the job by default.  Tim Ruskell wasted a draft pick on Coutu a couple years ago for no real reason so maybe we’ll get something out of him after all.  (A sh*tty GM is the gift that keeps on giving.  Am I right Mariner fans?)

You know who should be the ‘Hawks kicker?  Me.

True scientific fact:  I have never missed a kick at (I’m still calling it) Seahawk Stadium.  I’m 2 for 2.  A short story:

While attending the Seattle Boat Show a few years back I received a text from my 12 year old brother that says, “come out to the field”.  This is January and it’s pouring rain.  No sane person wants to leave the exhibition center to go stand out in the rain to look at fishing boats that are also indoors.  I go outside to find my brother next to a boat show employee with a football and kicking tee.  My brother tells the 40+ year old holding an umbrella “THAT’S HIM, THAT’S MY BROTHER!”  I discover there is a contest that if you kick the ball through the uprights, you get entered to win a boat.  My brother was young enough to think of me as some older brother/super athlete hybrid.  (Not claiming I was… kids are dumb)  The attendant hands me the ball and says, this kid wouldn’t leave until you gave this a shot.  Not wanting to let my kid brother down, I take the ball and dismiss the tee.  My brother holds and I knock a 35 yarder though the uprights.  My only goal was to not slip on the wet turf and make an ass of myself.  The attendant then asks if I’d like to back up and give it another crack.  It’s still pissing rain and nobody is out there.  I ask if I can go behind the rope and he had no problem with it.  I back up to the 35 yard line (45 yards out), behind one of the boats and line it up from the right hash-mark.  I stuck this one better and it goes through, still hitting the back net.  My brother thinks I’m a God.  If you do the “flat shoes, no warm up math” I’m probably good from 70 yards right?

-Jameson Konz
Jameson has an awesome name but no position.  He was a WR (I think, screw it, I’m too lazy to look it up) in college and was drafted to play tight end.  This year he’s giving it a shot at defensive end.  I want this guy to succeed as he is a freakish athlete with a good head on his shoulders.  It will be a fun month to watch this guy fight for a spot on the team.

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