The 7: Reasons why you should grow a pair and [legally!] buy a gun

DISCLAIMER:  The contents of this post are solely the work of the listed author, and do not necessarily reflect the views of or any other of its affiliated contributors.  The views expressed herein are the opinion of the author alone and written for entertainment purposes only.  Anyone that disagrees with said views is welcome to do so, but should not hold or its contributors responsible.

So this is the post where I get all Neo-Conservative, right-wing, liberal-hatin’, freedom-spoutin’, violence-lovin’, bat-shit F-ing CRAZY on your asses!

Okay…not really.  Calm down everyone.  I will however take a few minutes and enlighten you all as to why you (including you neo-hippie peacenik vegan leftist Commies) should own a gun.  Now if I were like your average American (a.k.a. redneck), my list would go something like this:

  1. This is ‘Merica.  We have a right to our guns because guns equal freedom and freedom equals ‘Merica
  2. Guns make you a man.  Y’all don’t want to be little girls, do ya?
  3. Guns are cool and can destroy things, like empty Bud Light cans, that rusty Plymouth on blocks in the front yard, the fridge when it breaks down, or “No Shooting” signs on public land.

Et cetera, et cetera…  However, I like to think of myself as not being your average American – at least in some ways – so I will try to provide you with solid, well-thought, logically sound reasons why you should, in fact, own a gun.

  1. This is America.  Land of the free, home of the brave, and all that good stuff.  Or at least it should be, because that’s what was intended when the country was founded.  However, more and more frequently we find our basic, inalienable rights being placed on the back burner, subverted, ignored, and downright trampled in favor of Big Business, which as we all know has the ear (and wallet) of DC and our so-called representatives.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no Teabagger, and I don’t think violence will necessarily accomplish anything, except to maybe supplant one corrupt regime with another.  However, one thing cannot be denied:  This country was founded on revolution, and the men that founded it believed revolution (or at least the threat of it) was important enough that they included it in the Declaration of Independence, stating that it was our right and obligation to overthrow the government should it prove to be “destructive of these [inalienable rights]”.  Keep in mind that they were speaking not only of their overthrow of English rule in the colonies, but of any and all government, including the one they fought and bled to institute for us, their descendants.  This is the real reason for the 2nd Amendment.  Can you imagine how the Revolution would have gone had England outlawed guns in the colonies?  It would never have been, and we’d all be swearing allegiance to the Nanny State, and her grumpy old Queen.  So, when a system of government becomes overbearing and tyrannical, how exactly should the people go about changing it if they don’t practice their right to bear arms, or worse, allow that right to be taken away based on fear-mongering, propaganda, and disinformation?

    Guns don't kill people. Chimps with guns kill people.
  2. Generally speaking (and contrary to popular belief/propaganda), we are all actually safer with more guns in the neighborhood.  Now instead of boring you with statistics (which can be found – and, more importantly, have their sources actually cited – here and here), let me posit a hypothetical situation.  This may require a little imagination, so bear with me.  You are a small-time criminal looking for some quick loot.  You decide that you’re going to break into an upper-middle class home and steal jewelry, electronics, and whatever else you can get your hand on that looks expensive.  So you don your trusty ski mask, your lucky black sweatshirt, and grab the big friggin’ hunting knife you bought for $50 at your local sporting goods store.  Now at this point you may ask yourself why you aren’t bringing a gun instead?  Well, if you’re a halfway intelligent criminal, you’ll immediately see several reasons.  Firstly, guns are LOUD.  Like, wake up the whole house, half the people in the block, and all the dogs in a half-mile radius, REALLY loud.  Unless of course you’re a rich criminal and can afford a (highly illegal) silencer, in which case you’ll only wake the whole house and a quarter of the people in the block.  Don’t believe me?  James Bond is a liar – silencers are still loud.  Besides the fact that guns are loud, they’re also regulated, and anyone that knows anything about forensic/ballistic science knows that guns can be traced.  So that gun you bought legally and keep in your nightstand?  Use it to commit a crime and it can (and will) be traced back to you.  (Just one reason why you should keep your guns locked up and report a stolen gun to the police immediately.)  This, of course, means that you would need to obtain one illegally (read dangerous and overpriced) if you want to use it to commit a crime.  Finally, you’re a friggin’ burglar, not a murderer!  You don’t want to kill people, you don’t even want to see people!  And if you do see them, you only want to threaten them for as long as it takes to get the hell out.  Hence the knife.  Now, you break into a house and botch the job, waking up the inhabitants in the process.  You’re confronted by a very startled individual, let’s say hypothetically the Mom of the house.  Since we’ve established that you’re a halfway intelligent criminal, you’ve been casing the house for a few nights and you know that big bad Dad’s car is not currently in the driveway, so you feel this night is less risky with the man of the house gone.  You think you can probably intimidate your way out of anything, and worst case scenario win a fight against the weaker, frightened Mom (I said you were halfway intelligent, I didn’t say your weren’t a chauvinist).  From here, let’s posit two possible scenarios:  one where Mom has a gun (and knows how to safely handle it and use it if she has to), and the other where she doesn’t.  I think you can all see where I’m going here.  In Scenario 2 you threaten and possibly beat/stab Mom in front of her poor, defenseless children while stealing whatever you can carry and make your escape.  In Scenario 1…well, at best you get out with your life and probably wind up in jail.  And even if you do bring a gun instead of a knife, the tables are still probably in Mom’s favor, seeing how she knows the house and it’s layout, and is probably feeling pretty threatened and more likely to pull the trigger than you, who are just trying to escape as quickly as possible.  So to sum things up:  Outlaw guns, and only criminals will have the guns.  Allow citizens to own them, and the criminals have something to fear and might think twice about trying to rob, rape, or murder you.  And just in case you like a little statistics with your daily serving of blog, try this one on for size:  since the 1997 ban on handguns in England, violent crime has risen over 225%, while violent crime in the US where no such ban exists has fallen by almost 20% in the same time frame [1] [2].
  3. Guns are our last line of defense.  During the Revolutionary War, the vast majority of combat was carried out by local militias – i.e. local citizens that volunteered to fight, and not standing armies of “career” soldiers.  The same was true of several of the subsequent wars, including the Mexican-American War, the War of 1812, and the Civil War.  Since the end of World War II, and even more so since the end of the Cold War, our country has seen more and more cuts to defense spending, and the vast majority of the money we do spend on defense (not to mention personnel and materiel) ends up overseas in whatever war we happen to be fighting at the moment.  Which means that, in the event of a large scale terrorist attack, or (unthinkable, I know) foreign invasion, it will come down to citizens fighting for their lives.  I guarantee that any aggressor, be they terrorist or foreign nation, will think twice about invading America based on our amount of gun ownership.  In fact, Admiral Yamamoto had grave misgivings about invading the US, and is reputed to have said, “You cannot invade the mainland of the United States.  There would be a rifle behind every blade of grass.”   However, if you depend on our government and so-called “first responders” to save your life, you’re as good as dead already.  Case in point: it took police in Norway over an hour and a half to respond to the reports of gunfire in Utoya this past week.  In the meantime, 82 people were killed.  82!!!  All killed by one man.  Do you think that would have happened if a few of those Norwegians had guns with them?  Yes, the shooter would have killed some, nothing could have changed that, but he would have died riddled with bullets and many more lives would have been saved.
  4. Gun owners are being given a bad rap.  When you think of gun owners, your first thought goes directly to Jim Bob Hick with his beat up Ford pickup, gun rack in the rear window, trucker hat, stained and torn “wife-beater” shirt, poor hygiene, and IQ only slightly higher than that of you average goat.  Taking this thought a little further, you know for a fact that he didn’t finish high school, has at least two broken down cars on blocks next to his trailer, has at least 5 kids and a fat, slovenly, balding wife with a hole in her neck through which she smokes her Camel Reds, and whoever you voted for in the last election, you’re positive he voted for the other guy.  You know, someone like this guy: You know the stereotype I mean, and you know that it’s occurred to you at some point in time.  Well, I say it’s time we changed the stigma on gun ownership.  If more responsible, conscientious, intelligent, open-minded people owned guns, the lobbying in Washington wouldn’t be dominated by right-wing closet-Confederate racist nut jobs and rabid anti-gun peacenik “liberals” (though how you can be called a liberal and still advocate draconian gun control laws and the abolition of our constitutional rights is beyond me).  As a result, we would end up with responsible, intelligent, and effective gun laws that would prevent criminals from obtaining guns while enabling law-abiding citizens to practice their 2nd Amendment rights…without Big Brother controlling the ball.  Now, in light of the recent killings in Norway as well as the shooting spree in Tucson earlier this year (both of which were carried out with legally owned firearms), let me just say this:  1) Yes, I am for gun ownership by private citizens, and 2) Yes, I am in favor of gun control legislation – in fact, I think it should be harder for people to get a gun, generally speaking.  People need to realize that, while it is a right granted in our Constitution, it is also a responsibility.  If you own a gun, you should know how to disassemble and reassemble it, safely load, unload, clean, transport, and store it, and be responsible for its whereabouts at all times.  Every time I hear about some kid that accidentally shoots his friend playing with dad’s gun, or takes it to school and kills someone with it, or some drunk redneck that shoots himself, it really pisses me off.  If you own a gun and have kids, lock it up, no matter what, and hide the friggin’ key.  And keep the ammo somewhere else, while you’re at it, preferably locked up as well.  If you’re “cleaning” your gun and shoot yourself, well…that’s just natural selection running its course, because obviously you’re too dumb to realize that you don’t (can’t, even) clean a loaded weapon.  So stop giving smart, responsible people that happen to own guns a bad name, and next time you accidentally shoot yourself, don’t miss!
  5. Guns cannot be uninvented.  As much as many pacifists and peace-loving people the world over (myself included) would love for that wish to come true, it is just not going to happen.  No matter what you do, someone, somewhere out there will have guns, and if they decide they want what you have (up to and including your life), there is little to nothing you would be able to do to stop them.  I for one feel much safer owning a gun or two and knowing how to use them, while simultaneously hoping that day never comes.  However, a wiser man than myself said, “Hope for the best, and prepare for the worst.”

I guess that’s all I’ve got for now.  Not technically 7, but it is a list nonetheless and I’m sticking to it.  By all means, feel free to weigh in if you have something to say.


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