Why It’s Hetero To Be On Twitter

There is an interesting debate amongst my circle of friends.  The argument is whether or not men… real men… should be on Twitter.  I will start by listing real arguments and claims by these friends.
  1. It’s called “Twitter”.  That’s effing embarrassing.  The use of the word tweet needs to be removed from your vocabulary.  Same with the verb “friending.”
  2. Nobody cares about the last crap you took.  Or that you just went to the movies.  You are not nearly as clever as you think you are.
  3. Direct quote from a Google Chat.  “(Name Removed): well athletes on twitter is a whole different ballgame. If I owned a team (which can still happen) I’d ban twitter. All it’s done is given these assholes another means to say stupid **** and further ruin their image. Case and point read Chad Ochocinco’s “tweets” and tell me he doesn’t crave ****. Any dude who feels the world wants to know what he’s doing at that exact moment in time is in fact a **** or perhaps a cake craving woman.”

This is about where I lose interest and started singing “Pumped Up Kicks” in my head to drown them out.

So now my explanation as to why you can find me on the Twitter device and why I believe it’s a useful tool.

I mainly follow local and national sports writers.  Its nice to feel connected to whats going on with the Mariners, Seahawks, & Sounders and still be able to carry on with my day.  I remember coming home from class every day and checking ESPN to read the headlines to see if I missed anything.  Now the news comes to me.  Granted the argument could be made that I’m developing some serious OCD by checking my phone 74 times a day but YOU ARE NOT MY SHRINK!

Another handy use of the Twitter.  If you are in a relationship longer than 6 days, you get taken shopping by your significant other at some point.  And if you follow the Mariners, there is probably a one thousand percent chance the game is on right now.  You have your handy “ESPN Score Center” app to tell you the score.  If you are like me that’s not enough.  The Twitter tells you Felix is on fire and Milton Bradley just stabbed a spectator while wearing his earplugs.  The earplugs cannot be explained on Twitter or the Bible.  I checked.

Also, take this colorful example.  You are at the ‘Hawks game and drinking moderately.  All of a sudden you see a receiver get blown up going over the middle and he’s down and out.  You, in a semi drunken stupor, start looking around for the “headphone radio” guy.  You know who I’m talking about.  But, is that guy around?  Of course not.  He’s only attends the civilized Mariner games while wearing his free Boeing Ichiro t-shirt jersey and eating a shishkaberry.  So if you are an expert like me at using your smart phone after two bloody mary’s and two beers, you can breathe a sigh of relief knowing it was just Isiah Stanback.Of course a column like this wouldn’t be complete without my own shameless self promotion.  You can find my random incoherent thoughts @jdelauney.  Still not convinced?  Then you sir are in fact a communist.

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